Baby Life

When You Disagree About Having Another Baby

2008-04-04 01:51:33

Deciding on the number of children to have can be difficult for many couples. It’s not like disagreeing on what to have for dinner: he wants Chinese, she wants Italian, so they compromise by having egg rolls with their pasta. The decision to add another child to a family is a lifelong commitment, and both parties must be on board. So what do you do if you and your partner are at a stalemate? Perhaps one of these couples’ solutions will work for you.

 

Talk About the Real Issue

Gwen and her partner, Drake, both 30, know all too well how difficult it is to meet in the middle. “Drake really wanted a third baby; he dotes on our sons and has always wanted a large family. I told him after the second child was born that I had my hands full with two, but he kept pushing the issue.”
This might sound like a typical tug-of-war, but as is often the case with the baby debate, there were deeper issues for these two. “Drake is an engineer, and he was often away at a job site for a week at a time,” Gwen says. “I was an at-home mum, which means I handled all of the childcare most of the time. Of course he wanted another baby—he didn’t have to do the work! I, on the other hand, was running myself ragged with the kids and the house, and I had no time for myself.”

After long months of discussion, both made a surprising decision. Drake hadn’t wavered from his desire for a third child, so he demonstrated his commitment by changing jobs to one where he didn’t have to go on overnight trips. “When he did that, I realized just how much another baby meant to him, and I decided to look more closely at what I was feeling. I soon realized that I was unhappy being a stay-at-home mum. I was an interior designer before the kids came along, and I missed going to work dreadfully. Within six months of returning to my career, we were happily pregnant with our third child!”

Gwen and Drake are a good example of how the “baby debate” was actually about much more. Gwen wasn’t happy with her job as an at-home mum, though it was hard for her to admit it. It was much easier to simply maintain that she didn’t want more kids. That’s why it’s so important for couples to identify what’s really going on. One of you could be feeling uncertain about the stability of your relationship or may be afraid of losing a job. But if you can’t pinpoint the actual problem, the chances of you successfully resolving the baby dilemma are slim.

Gloria, 41, and John, 43, thought they were communicating clearly. He thought a second child would complete their family, while she was adamantly opposed to it. What’s not to understand about that? Plenty, as it turned out. “I had a horrible pregnancy. Everything that could go wrong did: morning sickness for six months straight, gestational diabetes, bed rest—you name it, it happened to me. Even the delivery was awful. When John brought up having a second child, I told him that I couldn’t imagine anything worse. He saw me go through all of that; I couldn’t believe he would even ask!”

The more they talked about it, however, the clearer it became that her objection to another child was simply about the pregnancy. It wasn’t that she didn’t want another son or daughter. Once they had that epiphany, they discussed the possibility of adoption and discovered that they both loved the idea. Eight months after they began talking about it, they adopted a beautiful, six-week-old baby girl.

 

Give It Time

Unless the mum is nearing the end of her ability to carry a child, there’s no rush to make this decision. It may feel like an emergency for the partner who so desperately wants another child, but it rarely is. Carly was 32 when her biological clock began ticking again, but her husband, Brent, heard no such ticking of his own. “Our twins were three years old when I brought up the idea of another baby. I believe his initial reaction was to cover his ears and run out of the room. Very mature,” she laughs.

Brent eventually disclosed that he didn’xszt want to go back to the days of being up all night and juggling the babies’ constant demands. “I knew my husband well enough to realize that I wasn’t going to change his mind by constantly harping on the issue,” Carly says. “Instead, a few months later, I asked Brent to help me pack up the girls’ baby clothes and toys, and we spent hours reminiscing about when Ella wore this dress and when Cora played with that rattle. I could tell he was weakening. Then, friends of ours asked us to babysit for their three-month-old son one weekend so they could attend an out-of-town funeral. Brent had such a good time with that little boy, and I could practically see him thinking, ‘Twins are a lot of work, but maybe one baby would be okay.’ When I casually approached him again two weeks later about another baby, he said he was willing to talk about it. Two years later, our own little boy was born.”
Men, especially, need time and space to ponder the idea of such a huge change. Carly gave her husband that room, while subtly reminding him of how much richer their lives could be with another baby.

Of course, not every couple eventually decides to have that second or third—or fifth—child. Kate and Morgan, both 39, went round and round for years. They had their first child right out of high school, and with all of the stress of that situation, neither of them thought about another baby for five years. “When we finally had our heads above water financially, I thought it was time for another baby—a planned baby this time! Morgan just kept saying how much he was looking forward to being empty-nesters by 40. He felt strongly that we never had time to be carefree newlyweds, so he wanted to experience that as soon as our daughter went to college. I wasn’t convinced, but after several years went by and our daughter was in junior high and then high school, I decided he was right. Our daughter left for college three years ago, and we love our life. We travel all the time and have a lot more money than our friends, many of whom are still raising toddlers.”

 

 Tips for having a healthy, productive discussion:

• Don’t issue ultimatums. You may think it demonstrates how much you want another baby, but it probably only makes your partner retreat further into his own corner.
• Don’t dismiss your partner’s concerns. If he’s afraid he’ll be the one up all night with the new baby—again—acknowledge that you didn’t do your share last time. And be sure you really mean it when you promise that you’ll split the nighttime feedings.
• Don’t shut down the discussion. No matter how strongly you feel and how much you know you’ll never change your mind, always keep the lines of communication open. Refusing to discuss such an important issue will only lead to alienation.
• Get a professional involved. If you are at an impasse that threatens your marriage, find a therapist who can help you both work through this issue.

When You Disagree About Having Another Baby