Baby Life

Can you love all your children equally?

2008-05-05 07:22:50

When I was expecting my second child, I wondered how I’d have enough love for both. By the time I had my third, I knew I had more than enough love to go around. The question was, would I like each of them equally? Well, not always, I have to admit. My middle child makes me quite insane sometimes, much more than the other two; she smiles the most angelic smiles when she says “No!” But that’s normal. The trick is to learn to enjoy and bring out the best in each child, whether they’re “easy” or “difficult” to live with.

Different children have different personality types, and if you have more than one child, chances are pretty good that you’ll love them equally but that one will be more likely to drive you crazy. You’ll probably feel guilty about that, but experts say it’s natural for your personality to mesh better with one of your children than with the other(s).

How do you avoid playing favourites?

First of all, don’t compare your kids, especially within their earshot. Younger siblings are almost inevitably compared to their older sisters and brothers by teachers, family friends, relatives and others, but coming from a parent, such comparisons can be devastating. You may wish that your youngest would be more like his big brother in any number of ways, but never say so.

Bringing out the best in your child

Though it’s not easy sometimes, you should also try to appreciate your most difficult child’s good qualities. My willful 3-year-old – the one who fights me every morning about what to wear, the one who refused to be potty-trained at all until her third birthday – is also the first to help put away groceries, loves to learn letters and numbers, and is generous and quick to say “I love you” or “I’m sorry.”

Having a hard time seeing your child’s good qualities because you’re too busy fighting battles with her?

It could be that she doesn’t feel she’s getting enough of your attention. Negative attention is still attention, after all. Try spending more one-on-one time with your child: playing a favourite board game, reading a book together, making a favourite recipe together – something that’s special to that child. Then observe how the child acts for the next day or so. Many parents find that just a little bit of extra, individual attention each day is enough “preventive medicine” to ward off a lot of bad behavior.

Enjoy your kids where they are

Time can bring about a lot of changes. Realise that the child who is difficult now could be your easiest child at an older age, the angelic baby might yet find a way to be devilish during the terrible twos, and your easy eldest might just hit his teenage years hard. Maybe the difficult behavior you’re currently dealing with really is just a passing phase, to be handled with love and patience.

For now, try this simple exercise:

Choose a time when your most challenging child is not around – for instance, when she’s at school or daycare, or taking a nap – and think about what you enjoy about her. Think about what makes you smile, like the way she proudly carries around her collection of stuffed toy frogs. Plan a fun activity for when she comes home or wakes up. Enjoy and appreciate her individual personality when she’s not around, so you can weather the storm a little more calmly when she is!

Spread the love

Try as you might, if you enjoy one child more than another, you might be tempted to show your “favoured” child more affection than the one who pushes your buttons. But that just feeds the problem. Be sure to give plenty of affection to all your kids, and keep it equal. You might even see better behaviour and feel closer to all your kids as a result!

There’s another good reason to spread the love, though: Often, increased sibling rivalry is a distressing side effect of “playing favourites” – and that can make a bad situation worse. Help your kids learn to help each other, reinforce the concept that the family is a team that works together, and you might see a little less jealousy and rebellion. It’s worth a try, and can help your children form close relationships with each other that they can enjoy for a lifetime.

So realise that you can’t feel the same way about all your children, because your personality is just going to fit better with some than with others. Just put away the guilt, make an effort to enjoy and cherish each child, and always let your children know that you’re equally devoted to each one and want the best for them.

Can you love all your children equally?